Growing Pains

          Recently, I have come to realize some beautiful things that I would like to share with anyone to cares to read what I write. Bear with and forgive me if it seems as if these ideas should have effortlessly been grasped as, "common sense." I am still maturing and these are my growing pains. 
    This, although seemingly obvious discovery, is something very personal for me, and weighed too much on my heart to keep confined within my mind, so I figured I'd restore some Faith in myself and begin writing about it.
    Today I decided that, in spite of myself, and everything that I am going through, I am going to be happy. Genuine and without reason. I am going to wake up every morning and I am going to decide to be happy over and over again until it becomes a natural response to whatever the hell kind of curve ball life throws in the strike zone of my fucked up life. I am no longer going to let my emotions run my life; I will never again allow my feelings to drive my actions.
     My heart broke, and for three months following I felt like shit. As a direct result of that, I treated people like shit. I did a shitty job at work and I didn't give a shit about my body or my mind (I apologize for all the shit talk).
     I was fortunate enough to have somehow fallen into the good graces of some very spiritually powerful human beings that aided me in discovering that I am only as sad as I let myself be; that all I needed to do was decide to be happy. It was THAT simple.
     And, just like that, I intuitively became aware of how to handle a kind of sadness that used to baffle and leave me emotionally crippled for months with no end in sight.
     It would be easy for me to continue to engulf myself in the heartache of how light my left hand feels without a ring; to thrive on my character defects and yearn for any kind of instant gratification... but one night it hit me harder than any physical blow I had ever endured- Nothing changes if nothing changes. I had become so comfortable within the Hell I created for myself that I had quickly forgotten just how unreasonably beautiful my life is, regardless if my heart is healed or mending. 
     I had formed a resentment towards the Universe. The Universe that has always been so kind to me- doing for me what I am not strong enough to do for myself. Rather than loving it, I hated it; blaming it for my eternal ache, rather than showing it the gratitude it  [the Universe] deserved. I am so ashamed to admit, my glass was half empty.
     To attempt to understand the grander scheme of things and why things happen in the world/for what reason, is to accept and embrace insanity with open arms- I no longer question its motives, but rather trust the process. My small, but open mind will never acquire the capacity to know, but will to understand.
     Why would the Universe take away something so good, if it weren't going to reward you with something even better? I could hate the world for taking someone from me, or I could continue to take certain steps in the right direction out of respect that I am not calling the shots in this life. I am no longer attempting to rearrange life to suite myself, because when I try to control the show, my self-will runs riot and wreaks havoc on all the beauty in life that is out of my reach, and who am I to play God?
     Therefore, today I am happy, and if I am so lucky as to see tomorrow, I will be happy then, too. Not for any particular reason other than I just am.